View Full Version : Humorous Sayings / Jokes/ Quotes Whatever

11-16-2003, 02:57 AM
Definition of stress...

That confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole that really needs...

11-16-2003, 10:36 AM

Ok, I like the idea of this thread DmitryWI, I think your onto something here, but I think, if you don't mind I will rename the thread title to something more generic and we can all add a little humour here to help the day go by.

Good idea fella


11-16-2003, 10:37 AM
God Give me Patience... But Quickly!!

11-16-2003, 10:38 AM
Grant the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I kill today because they pissed me off.

11-16-2003, 10:39 AM
Help me to always give 100% at work

12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday

11-16-2003, 10:40 AM
When I'm haviong a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to Fuck off!!

11-16-2003, 10:45 AM
The Arguments against the Exercise Regimen
*I found this somewhere.. I didn't write it.

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is.

3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

4. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up on our body.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:


11-16-2003, 10:47 AM
The Straight Dope On Food & Exercise

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables.
As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three
categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and
wine are not animal, and they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and
enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to
one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench
press. What did he mean?
A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up
your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find
that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to
re-evaluate your exercise program.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
A: Sorry...Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had.

11-16-2003, 10:48 AM
Written by Nick Nilsson

If youíve ever had occasion to visit a gym, youíve no doubt heard people talking about "feeling the burn" and "pumping up." But did you ever wonder what people were really saying? Here are some common terms and phrases that will help you to learn what is really going on in the gym.

In The Zone - Tired and incoherent during a workout. Commonly described out of the gym as "spaced out."

Extended Warm-Up - 20 minutes at low tension on the stationary bike then 20 minutes of casual stretching then a shower.

"Just One More Rep" - Said to a spotter during a set. Really means: "Lift the weight for me."

Forced Reps - For the reluctant exerciser, every single rep of a workout is a forced rep. This is especially true when they have a mean trainer.

Hack Squat - The position a cat gets into when heís coughing up a hairball, commonly mistaken as a leg exercise.

"Can I work in with you?" - Translation: "Can I remove all your weights and sweat all over your bench?"

Drop Sets - What sometimes happens after doing a hard set of dumbell bench presses. A triple drop set occurs when you drop two dumbells and yourself to the floor.

Bulking Up - Name for the phase during which an otherwise healthy trainer will try to get bigger and fatter on purpose.

"Iím maxing out" - Translation: "I was going for 6 reps but I put too much weight on the bar and only got 1."

Cool-down - Sit on a bench and drink from a water bottle while talking about how much more youíll lift next time.

Olympic Bar - Athleteís nightclub.

E-Z Bar - "How dare you! Iím not that type of bar."

Squat rack - The lonliest piece of equipment in the gym.

"Itís all you!" - Said by spotter during the last few reps of a set. Translatation: "Itís mostly me."

Pro-hormones - Hormones that have lost their amateur status.

Meal Replacement Supplement - Cold pizza and warm beer.

Clean and Press - Surprisingly enough, itís a shoulder exercise, not laundry instructions. A variation of it is even known as the Hang Clean and Press.

High Intensity Interval Training - Occurs when there are two or more flights of stairs leading up to the gym.

Skullcrushers - An exercise where you make like youíre going to bash your own head in with a barbell, a.k.a. lying tricep extensions.

"Hold the contraction at the top and squeeze for 10 seconds" - Said by a personal trainer when he or she wants to punish the client for missing a session.
Now that youíve got an idea of what is being said at the gym, youíll be able to converse comfortably with the natives. You will be completely understood in any gym in the world when you walk in and say "I just did two sets of high intensity intervals and now Iím ready for some forced reps" or "Iím taking a lot of meal replacement supplements because Iím bulking up."

01-29-2004, 01:11 PM
Loved this one..

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer

01-29-2004, 10:15 PM
my god.

01-29-2004, 11:15 PM
Originally posted by erp7e
my god.

You really would think I was making it up wouldn't you, mais non.. She really is that retarded.. on the upside, nice rack.

01-30-2004, 06:48 PM

01-30-2004, 06:49 PM
Originally posted by JustinAL

From last weeks Simpsons "I didn't lie, I just told fiction with my mouth" - Homer. God I love that show. Doh!

02-02-2004, 11:14 AM
OK , this joke works for all countries, you can replace Canada with England, Wales, France etc, but the gag works for everyone.


President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to
invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. This is Archie, up
'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada ey? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you ey!"

Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there's meself, me
cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?", George asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lard T'underin' Jaysus, bye", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is
still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified
Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four
byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"

George was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you
Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie,"I'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

02-02-2004, 07:42 PM
Originally posted by WillBrink
From last weeks Simpsons "I didn't lie, I just told fiction with my mouth" - Homer. God I love that show. Doh!

Classic! My girlfriend and I love that show as well.

02-02-2004, 10:53 PM
Originally posted by JustinAL
Classic! My girlfriend and I love that show as well.

It's the best written show on TV bar none and has been for a very long time.

02-08-2004, 03:47 PM
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the
glorious winners for 2003.

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended
victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber
James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered
down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of
its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers
to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't
discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he
received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying
to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and
fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives
YOU money, is a crime committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled:
"FREEZE, MOTHER STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone
was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely
lost it and doubled over laughing. That probably saved his life,
because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and
fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at
large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the
wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab
some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over
his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of polycarbonate. The whole event was caught on

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of
the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he
replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered
onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The
man, frustrated, walked away.


When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home
near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to
trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor
home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had

02-08-2004, 03:53 PM

02-11-2004, 11:04 PM
Good stuff, as always :)

02-12-2004, 04:09 AM
How can I send this page to my friends?
You mother stickers :D :D :D

03-16-2004, 09:58 AM
The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support
Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine
excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11, It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if
this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his
phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps
you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the
Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the
country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney;
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146
Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

03-16-2004, 09:59 AM
Originally posted by DmitryWI
How can I send this page to my friends?
You mother stickers :D :D :D

Sorry mate, this forum does not have that facility, I don't think. But the new version of vbulletin does. We should have that all installed in about 1 months time.


03-24-2004, 01:06 AM
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Arkansas)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

03-24-2004, 01:14 AM
Ok, I love cats but this still made me laugh. Hope it doesn't offend anyone.

04-02-2004, 02:52 AM
Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

And then...

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

04-03-2004, 11:13 PM
Since we're on the man-hating soy brigade, here's one that my wife forwarded to me:

"Happiness is...

Your son on the cover of Fortune,
Your daughter on the cover of Sports Illustrated,
Your boyfriend on the cover of Playgirl,
and your husband on the 'missing persons' section of a milk carton."

My wife says she'd envision me on the cover of Playgirl instead (hmmm...she must want something...oh that's right, she wants a new watch).

04-19-2004, 04:20 PM
So anyway, this polar bear wanders into a bar. It strolls up to the barman and says "Give me a vodka and............................
.................................................. ................................................
.................................................. ................................................
.................................................. ................................................
.................................................. ................................................
.................................................. ................................................
.................................................. ................................................
.......................coke". "Certainly, sir", says the barman, "but why the big pause?" "Oh, I was born with them", says the polar bear.

Thangyewverrymuch. I'm here all week.


06-25-2004, 04:02 PM
A couple hasn't been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." You can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present?" He says, "Why should I? You didn't use what I got you last year."

06-25-2004, 04:03 PM
Calling in sick

Employee: I'm calling in sick for today.

Nursing Service Office: What seems to be your problem?

Employee: The doctor says that I have anal glaucoma.

Nursing Service Office: Anal glaucoma? What's that?

Employee: I just can't see my ass coming in to work today

07-12-2004, 12:46 AM
The hubby and I thought this was pretty damn funny!


07-12-2004, 01:35 AM
that was great!!!!


07-12-2004, 10:25 AM
LOL - yeah, I like that :-)

08-18-2004, 09:24 AM

From Boxer, don't miss this one, totally classic, funny as hell.

08-28-2004, 02:16 AM

08-28-2004, 02:19 AM
Somebody posted this on a forum the other day and I thought it was funny http://media.ebaumsworld.com/titanicpimp.wmv

08-28-2004, 02:31 AM
Okay that was a bit gross, but I have to admit that I started to get into that song. His performance was.....unmatchable.

It reminded me of a website where a fat kid shows off his "bow staff skills".

The website is www .realultimatepower .net/ They have lots of funny links at the top of their website and a lot of hate mail from people who don't get that it's a joke. They're fun to read.

The link to the bow staff skill kid is here: http://www.msu.edu/~couilla3/ninja/bowstaffdemo.wmv

08-28-2004, 07:42 PM
While we're on the subject of the bow staff kid, check out this site that's taken that video and beaten it to death:


08-28-2004, 09:04 PM
I don't know whether to laugh or cry...:D :eek:

08-31-2004, 03:07 AM
The 'Matrix' one is hilarious.

09-05-2004, 01:32 PM
From funny. com

Lil' Johnny on politics:
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

09-05-2004, 01:34 PM

10-21-2004, 02:13 AM
A 75-year old man went to his doctors office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said:"Take this jar home, and bring me back a sample>tomorrow." The next day, the 75-year old man reappeared at the doctors office, and gave him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what had happened, and the man explained:
"Well Doc, its like this......
First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left hand, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door .and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing"

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldnt get the damn jar open!"

;) :D

I found this on jokeornot . com

10-21-2004, 07:42 AM
He he he he he

12-01-2004, 10:49 AM
It's the best written show on TV bar none and has been for a very long time.


I used to think that but then I saw "The Family Guy" - easily (in my humble opinion) the funniest animated series around.


PS: arrested development is a great show also

12-19-2004, 02:55 PM
We were in stitches over this one:


Children's television in the US was never like this!

12-21-2004, 05:39 AM
almost went unconscious laughing at this one. thanks! :D

12-21-2004, 11:15 AM
We were in stitches over this one:


Children's television in the US was never like this!

Funny thing is, I watched those shows and as a kid had no clue. BTW, that would never get passed in the UK nowadays but we had a lot of stuff like that, Captain Pugwash was nearly as bad and the magic roudabout had a ton of drug connotations in it.

12-21-2004, 11:15 AM
This is an intreesting story of love, romance and deadly attraction. Quite a complex story but ultimately very moving.


12-22-2004, 07:15 PM
This is an intreesting story of love, romance and deadly attraction. Quite a complex story but ultimately very moving.


Well, now we know what happened to Frosty! :D

Funny how this never made it into the song...

12-22-2004, 07:24 PM
This is an intreesting story of love, romance and deadly attraction. Quite a complex story but ultimately very moving.


The plot was a little over my head....

12-22-2004, 08:18 PM
He He He

12-22-2004, 08:44 PM
Another good one - shades of Arnold Anyone?


02-07-2005, 11:47 PM
End of the World (http://www.allthingsflash.com/links/files/cartoons/endofworld.swf)

02-15-2005, 10:11 PM
Yiddish With Dick and Jane!


I have a lot of Jewish relatives on my mother's side, so this was both amusing and familiar... :rolleyes:

02-16-2005, 07:08 AM
Check this out.http://kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1851&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1853&DISPLAYORDER=20050128194731&CAT=movies&NSFW=&page=1

02-16-2005, 03:01 PM
This is for all my Valentines on the forum:


02-16-2005, 03:18 PM
This is for all my Valentines on the forum:


Uhhh, gee. Well....ummm, thanks Will.

Something else for V-Day: http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005072264,00.html

02-16-2005, 03:25 PM
Uhhh, gee. Well....ummm, thanks Will.

Something else for V-Day: http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2005072264,00.html

Argh, yet another product I wont be trying! :eek:

02-16-2005, 03:36 PM
You can be assured anything that is found in the pages of the SUN newspaper is simply worth forgetting.

02-18-2005, 06:33 AM
Shouldn't they have that 80's song..."Relax, don't do it, when ya wanna...?"

02-19-2005, 01:36 AM
jedi car wars?http://kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=1723&NEXTID=0&PREVID=1728&DISPLAYORDER=20041124164019&CAT=movies&NSFW=&page=2

03-24-2005, 10:09 PM
I saw this posted on another forum...

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator - then turned the figures upside down

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8 ) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

18 ) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28 ) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) My mum was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

6) went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names but one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my ones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

10 I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Peter Kay's questions...

1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12. What do people in China call their good plates?

13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14. What do you call male ballerinas?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the window?

04-07-2005, 04:09 PM
Yesterday, scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women.

To test the theory, 50 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one
hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men: talked
excessively without making sense; became overly emotional; couldn't
drive; failed to think rationally; argued over nothing; had to sit down
while urinating; and refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was necessary.

04-18-2005, 09:26 PM
This is old so you might of seen it before but it's always good for a laugh http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=treadmill.wmv

04-19-2005, 12:18 AM
This is old so you might of seen it before but it's always good for a laugh http://media.ebaumsworld.com/index.php?e=treadmill.wmv

Must be some new-fangled secret Russian training system! :)

04-20-2005, 05:24 AM
compiled carnage, YEAH!!!!

04-20-2005, 05:25 AM
check this out, compiled carnage, YEAH!!!!http://kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=2192&NEXTID=0&PREVID=2193&DISPLAYORDER=20050413180705&CAT=movies&NSFW=3&page=1

04-27-2005, 11:53 AM
Americans and canadians go to war. Now thats funnyhttp://kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=2210&rtn=index-topten

04-27-2005, 09:04 PM
I just got this in an email at work. It says this is a true story, but I don't know if it is or isn't. If it is, then they got just what they deserved...

> You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a recent wedding
> that took place atClemson University. It was in the local newspaper
> and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
> It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests... After the wedding at
> the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to
> the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from
> long distances, to support them at their wedding.
> He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to
> thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
> As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give
> everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of
> everyone's
> chair,including the wedding party, was an envelope.
> He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open
> their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his
> Bride having sex with the best man.
> The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had
> hired a private detective to tail them.
> After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for
> a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F---
> you!".
> Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!".
> Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm Outta
> here."
> He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
> While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately
> after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through With the
> charade,as if nothing were wrong.
> His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a
> 300 guest
> wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and
> best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
> This guy has balls the size of church bells.
> Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of
> this:
> Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
> friends.........$32,000.
>Wedding photographs commemorating the
> occasion.....$3,000.
> Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
> Maui....$8,500.
> The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10
> glossy Of the bride humping the best man..........Priceless.
> There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's

05-04-2005, 09:45 PM
Funny story if true Alan. If true I feel sorry for whoever ends up married to either of them in the future :o

The following is quite funny too :

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1,but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other and they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancťe 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge.

These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be installed every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

05-20-2005, 06:19 PM
Quite funny too...

Quantas airlines

After every flight Quantas pilots fill out a form called "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problmes with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P. Left main inside tyre almost needs replacement
S. Almost replaced left inside main tyre

P. Test flight OK except auto-land very rough
S. Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

P. something loose in cockpit
S. Something tightened in cockpit

P. Dead bugs on windshield
S. Live bugs on back order

P. Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces 200 feet per minute descent
S. Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S. Evidence removed

P. DME volume unbelievably loud
S. DME volume set to more believable level

P. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S. Thats what the're for

P. IFF inoperative in OFF mode
S. IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

P. Suspected crack in windshield
S. Suspect you're right

P. Number 3 engine missing
S. Engine found on right wing after brief search

P. Aircraft handles funny
S. Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious

P. Target radar hums
S. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P. Mouse in cockpit
S. Cat installed

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S. Took hammer away from midget

06-24-2005, 04:53 PM
This is amazing.

06-25-2005, 12:42 AM
Pretty cool! Lord Vader read my mind (I was thinking of a pizza -- what else?!)

08-27-2005, 11:41 PM
Ever wonder about the guys who narrate the trailers for coming attractions at the movies? Ok, up until I saw this, I never did either...but this was mildly amusing:

Five Men in a Limo (http://www.heinousbrains.com/junk/5MenInALimo.mov)

08-31-2005, 11:11 AM
The top 15 COUNTRY SONGS...
> > > 15. "If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You."
> > >
> > > 14. "If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me."
> > >
> > > 13. "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
> > >
> > > 12. "I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So Well."
> > >
> > > 11. "I'm Still Missing You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better."
> > >
> > > 10. "I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win."
> > >
> > > 9. "I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight."
> > >
> > > 8. "I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here."
> > >
> > > 7." If I Had Shot You When I first Wanted To, I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now."
> > >
> > > 6. "My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him."
> > >
> > > 5. "She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger."
> > >
> > > 4. "You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly."
> > >
> > > 3. "Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure."
> > >
> > > 2. "She's Looking Better After Every Beer."
> > >
> > > And, the Number-One Favorite Country Song of 2004 is:
> > >
> > > 1. "I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With An Ugly Woman, But I Sure Have Woke Up With A Few."

09-12-2005, 05:29 PM
One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon and thinks to himself, "Thats certainly not a ship."
As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly emerging out of the surf comes a drop dead blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the stunned man and asks him. "How long has it been since you've had a cigerette?" "Ten years." he replies. With that she unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes and a lighter. He lights up one, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah, is that good."
"And how long has it been since you had a drink of whiskey?" she asks.
Trembling the castaway replies,"Ten years."
She reaches over to her right sleeve and pulls out a flask of and hands it to him. He opens it and takes a good long pull and says, "Absolutely fantastic"
At this point she starts to pull down the long zipper in the front of her wet suit and asks the Irishman,"And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes he falls to his knees and sobs.

"Sweet mother of Jesus don't tell me you've got golf clubs!!"

01-08-2006, 08:02 PM
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.

01-20-2006, 06:34 AM
Top selling baby DVD's (http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Stat-Shot-What.article.jpg)

01-22-2006, 03:38 AM
sstewart, that is hilarious, particularly because I have a 5-month-old and people have started to buy her 'educational' DVDs. Of course she prefers SportsCenter (or...her daddy does?).

01-24-2006, 11:08 PM
Long but interesting bumper sticker: The reason it is easier to be violently oppossed to fur over leather is it is easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

01-24-2006, 11:25 PM
Long but interesting bumper sticker: The reason it is easier to be violently oppossed to fur over leather is it is easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

There is some real truth in that one!

12-08-2006, 07:48 PM
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the Time we have rushed through life trying to save"- Will Rogers.

12-08-2006, 10:17 PM

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


12-09-2006, 06:16 AM
Classic :)
I needed that little funny after taking my finals today.

12-10-2006, 04:07 AM
I've seen this one - it's hilarious.

However, as with most things internet...I am calling shenanigans on this being an actual paper that someone turned in.

12-10-2006, 10:19 AM
A lavishly thought out gag . I would bet my ass it's original source was not a paper. Top Stuff.

12-10-2006, 06:04 PM
A lavishly thought out gag . I would bet my ass it's original source was not a paper. Top Stuff.

And you would win that bet, my friend! http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

12-10-2006, 07:25 PM
Subject: Christmas divorce

A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Christmas

and said,"

I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I

are divorcing;

45 years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father said.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you

call your sister

in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son called his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like

heck they're

getting divorced," she shouted, "I'll take care of this,"

She called Phoenix immediately, and screamed at her father, "You are

NOT getting

divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my

brother back,

and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU


and hung up.

The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife:

"Okay," he said," They're coming for Christmas and paying their own


12-10-2006, 07:34 PM
Finally, a male blonde joke


12-14-2006, 02:55 PM
A Christmas Favorite...
Christmas Tequila Cookies:

1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup (two sticks) butter
1 cup granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit (dried cranberries or raisins)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)

First, sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the Cuervo to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour another 4 ounces in a measuring cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of the butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon sugar. Beat again.

At this point, it is best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK. Try another 4 ounces, just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, picking the frigging fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt or something. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Cherry Mistmas.

12-14-2006, 03:01 PM

Go on , put it in recipes section . See if anybody gives it a whirl :-)

12-14-2006, 10:35 PM
Will do:)

12-14-2006, 10:44 PM
I did this recipe.........once..........:o

12-17-2006, 03:55 PM
Philosophy of sex.

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other e eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

12-17-2006, 05:48 PM

Go on , put it in recipes section . See if anybody gives it a whirl :-)
Merde...I never saw this. :rolleyes: :o

12-17-2006, 06:35 PM
New Sex Study...

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead :rolleyes:

03-30-2007, 08:57 PM
A joke I heard on The Saprano's, goes more or less like this;

A rich man and a poor man are sitting at the bar talking about christmas presents. The poor man turns to the rich man and asks "So, what'd you get your wife this christmas?" and the rich man replies,"I bought her a big diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes benz". The poor man asks," Why'd you get her a big diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz?" The rich man replies, "Well if she don't like the big diamond ring she can drive home in her brand new Mercedes Benz and still be happy". So now the rich man asks the poor man, "So what'd you get your wife this christmas?" and the poor man replies, "I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo". The rich man asks, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?' The poor man replies,"Well if she don't like the slippers, she can go f*#k herself".

03-30-2007, 09:03 PM
Definition of bronco style sex -
Get behind your partner (doggie style), grab her breasts and then say "Gee, these feel like your little sisters breasts." Then see if you can stay on the full 8 seconds.

03-30-2007, 09:28 PM
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a
sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again.. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

03-31-2007, 09:46 PM

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like America. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desiable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and the borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glamorous and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


Between 15 and 90, a man is like Zimbabwe. Ruled by a dick.

Mr Universe
03-10-2008, 10:52 AM
Hi everyone, here's some jokes for you to laugh at,

A woman and a pro body builder met at a bar one night and hit it off well. They decided to go back to a hotel room for some all night fun. They get to the hotel room and the guy immediately starts to undress.

First he takes off his shirt and says (referring to his arms), "See those baby, that's 1000 pounds of dynamite." The woman starts to get more anxious.

Then he continues to take off his pants and says (referring to his thighs), "And these baby, that's 1000 pounds of dynamite."

The woman is aching for action at this point and she starts to touch herself. Then he starts to remove his boxers and show off his package and the woman screams in fright and runs out of the room.

He goes to find her and she's out in the parking lot gasping for breath. He asks her what was wrong and if she was ok. She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse I thought you were going to blow."


Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Vito and the other was Vladimir.

Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women; he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladamir had no success.

Vladamir: "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?"

Vito: "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret . . just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public."

Vladamir: "OK. Its a deal."

Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos bathing suit. When the women see it they come running from miles around."

Vladamir: "That's it? I can do that."

The next day, Vladamir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos.

As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him.

"Its working, he thought."

But soon he began to realize that they were not looking interested but rather upset, even disgusted by the sight of his bulge.

He rushed over to Vito and asked, "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?"

Vito: "Because your supposed to put the potato in the front."


A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were counting today and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten. listen 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10! See?"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde sweetheart."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only go to D, but I went all the way to G. listen, A B C D E F G! See?"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde sweetheart."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a beautiful pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"No Sweetheart, it's because you're 24."


At the end of a long crime fighting day, Superman decides he needs to relax for a few hours, so he rings Spiderman to see if he'd like to go out for a drink.

Spiderman replies "No, I have to repair my web spinner."

So, Superman rings a few more of his super hero friends and they're all busy. He decides in the end to go for a quick super-fly around the world to clear his mind before bed time.

As he passes over Wonder-Woman's mansion he sees her lying naked on her back with her legs spread wide next to her pool.

Hmmm he thinks, with my super powers I'll fly down for a quickie and before she realizes it I'll be gone.

So he swoops down and "WHAM BAM thank you ma'am" and he's gone.

Wonder-Woman shrieks, "What was that?"

"OUCH" cries the invisible man "I don't know, but I've sure got a sore ass!!!"


Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"


One day a man has a terrible stomach complaint and goes along to see his doctor. The doctor tells him that he is very ill, but that he can cure his condition with a course of suppositories inserted deep into his rectum every 6 hours.

"Right" says the doctor, "bend over and I'll do the first one for you." The man bends down and the doctor deposited the suppository. He then gives the man his course and sends him home.

At home 6 hours later the man realises that he can't stick the suppository far enough up his ass by himself, so he asks his wife to help him insert the slippery bullet. After explaining to her what to do, the man bends over. His wife puts one hand on her husband's shoulder to brace herself and thrusts really hard. To her horror the man lets out a blood curdling scream.

"My God" she cries. "What's the matter? Did I hurt you?"

"No" replies the man. "But I have just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."


A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f**king map again!"

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- a saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink then lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is okay.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.... In one second the sharp lime taste hits.... at two seconds the Baileys curdles.... at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint this girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "What the hell do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely and says, "Blow Job Revenge."

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mum and says, "Mummy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mum replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"


A guy had two pet monkeys that died so he took them to a taxidermist to get them stuffed.

He was asked by the taxidermist " Did you want them mounted."

"Oh no" said the guy, " just shaking hands will do thanks".


Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log

"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump

"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf" says Little Red Riding Hood

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign

"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf" taunts Little Red Riding Hood

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams" Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!"


Two farmers are shooting out in the fields. The first farmer starts bragging about how his dog can count. The second farmer, not believing this, says, "Prove it."

So the first farmer says, "Ok Rex, go count the ducks in the pond." So Rex runs takes off and comes back a minute later and barks four times.

The first farmer says, "Four ducks in the pond."

So the second farmer walks over to the pond and sure enough, four ducks are in the pond. He goes back to the fields and says, "That's bullshit, let's see him do that again!"

The first farmer looks at Rex and says, "do it again boy." So Rex runs down to the pond again and when he returns he barks ten times.

The second farmer goes back down to the pond where, lo and behold, there are ten ducks.

"Shit!" said the farmer. However, he still was not convinced. So, he goes back to the first farmer and says, "One more time."

So the first farmer again dispatches Rex to the pond. Moments later, Rex returns and begins to vigorously fuck the first farmer's leg and then he proceeds to pick up a stick and begins shaking it like hell.

The second farmer gloats, "See, that fuckin dog can't count. He's gone fuckin mad!!"

The first farmer says, "No, No, you don't understand him. He's saying, "There are more fuckin ducks down there than you can shake a stick at!"


A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk,

he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."


A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence mate, But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."


An Australian businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the thickest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"

He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."


A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his genitals in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who is willing to give it a try".

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try it, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".


Monica Lewinski goes into her cleaners with a dress to be cleaned. As she enters, she sees that Mr. Lee, (the owner of the cleaners and whom is hard of hearing), is in the back.

She yells, " Mr. Lee, Mr. Lee, It's Monica. I have a dress to be cleaned."

Mr. Lee yells, "Come again".

Monica says, "No, it is gravy this time."


04-18-2008, 04:51 AM
"Trust me, ladies, if you knew even for a second how we men really look at you, you would never stop slapping us." - Larry Miller

"You have nooo idea... the difference in sex drive between a man and woman is like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it." - Larry Miller

"Intercourse with a woman is sometimes a satisfactory substitute for masturbation. But it takes a lot of imagination to make it work." - Karl Kraus

"Don't be scared, you guys, if you see a hot momma. I used to be scared of pretty girls
until one confessed that they're just as scared of me." - Emo Philips

"Curiosity killed the cat but for a while I was suspect." - Steven Wright

Some of my favorites.

04-18-2008, 07:56 PM
Don't know if this one's in here, so here goes -

A man and his wife were driving home late on evening to their house in northern Michigan. They saw a skunk, dead in the road with a little one on the side of the road still alive. The wife wanted to pull over to save the little skunk.
"Come on, honey, the little guy's still alive and his momma is dead. We need to take care of him, so he can heal up. It's just the right thing to do."
Being extremely cold outside, the husband didn't really want to stop. Finally, he turned around to go get the little skunk.
"How do we keep him warm?", she asked.
"Just put him between your legs, it's always warm there," he replied.
"What about the smell?" She asked.
"Just plug his little nose."
The skunk is expected to make a full recovery, the husband's body has never been recovered.

05-06-2009, 09:07 PM
What is bad about group sex?
You can be skipped in the mob...:)
What is good...
The final performance's grade is average :)....

05-06-2009, 10:11 PM
My wife recently picked up a stray kitten on a rainy day when she found him under the tire of her car after getting groceries. This brings our grand total number of animals in the house to 5. In response I sent her this e-mail:

Subject: Wanted: good home for 2 dogs, 3 cats--wonderful animals!

Cat and dog lovers,

My house has too many friggin animals--it's time for us to become a pet-free household! 3 cats and 2 dogs that get along very well together are looking for a new home--preferably with a lonely bachelor or bachelorette. Loving and caring animals will make you feel wanted as soon as you get home from work each day! For more info, call Jeff at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Pick-up times for the animals and their toys/cat box/crates anywhere between 8 a.m. and 1:30 p.m. (must make sure wife and daughter are not home to stop you from getting these wonderful animals.)


Manager, Mini-Rescue Shelter

06-10-2009, 08:55 AM
For the well read women out there (and the intelligent males who appreciate a bit of 'fishing' humour)

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and report youĒ.

'For reading a book?' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and report you.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to four women who are thinkers.

If you receive this, you know you're intelligent

07-01-2009, 04:42 PM
In honour of Canada Day!

07-03-2009, 03:29 PM
In honour of Canada Day!

Just can't quite make out the writing. Hold on til I get my specs. Oh ye.:D

07-03-2009, 03:32 PM
For the well read women out there (and the intelligent males who appreciate a bit of 'fishing' humour)

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and report youĒ.

'For reading a book?' she replies,
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and report you.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. Send this to four women who are thinkers.

If you receive this, you know you're intelligent

How true it is. Anyway, I never argue with women, in fact I'm quite afraid of them.:helpsmili

01-17-2010, 11:47 PM
A cynic is someone who knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing

09-14-2011, 11:14 PM

09-15-2011, 01:12 PM
Lol :d

09-15-2011, 03:55 PM
A critic is someone who couldn't make it at what they're criticizing.

09-15-2011, 10:03 PM
Aye as the say in The Netherlands (yessssssssh) people always criticize the captain's driving of a ship from the quay!

12-01-2014, 02:01 AM
Thought these were good :D